Browsing Tag

anxiety

Devotional

Losing Words

When my husband was asked to play the lead role in a play in Chicago years ago, he had one month to memorize his spoken lines, the lyrics to eight songs, and the accompanying musical pieces on guitar. 

The play ran for a month and a half, and at the beginning of that run, there were times when he forgot his lines.

He lost the words he needed to speak. 

And a beautiful thing would happen. His fellow actors helped to remind him of the forgotten words. They would improvise a line that sparked his memory, and he would then remember. The words would all come flooding back to him. 

Many things can cause us to forget what we desperately need to remember, and this usually happens when hard times encroach upon us. Fear, stress, sadness, pain, and anxiety can make our minds go blank. But there is hope.

It is vitally important to work at planting the word of God deep within us. It is a source of strength and guidance, always readily accessible to us, especially in times of need for ourselves or another. The bottom line is that the word of God is not just reliable but powerful enough to speak into every situation of our lives. 

We have received from God the gift of the Helper to remember the word. He not only teaches us all things but also reminds us of every word Jesus taught and found in the scriptures. But we must study and meditate on it for the Holy Spirit to remind us of it. 

Let’s be the type of people and friends with a ready word in and out of season. We need each other but are only as good to one another as the quality of our intimacy with the word of God, both written and living.

So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it. – Isaiah 55:11, NASB

My son, attend to my words; incline thine ear unto my sayings. Let them not depart from thine eyes; keep them in the midst of thine heart. For they are life unto those that find them, and health to all their flesh. –Proverbs 4:20-22, MSG

These things I have spoken to you while remaining with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and remind you of all that I said to you. —John‬ ‭14‬:‭25‬-‭26‬, NASB

Cuando hace años le pidieron a mi esposo que interpretara el papel principal en una obra de teatro en Chicago, tuvo un mes para memorizar sus líneas habladas, la letra de ocho canciones y las piezas musicales de guitarra que las acompañaban.

La obra duró un mes y medio y, al comienzo de esa ejecución, hubo momentos en que se olvidó de sus líneas.

Perdió las palabras que necesitaba para hablar.

Y algo hermoso sucedería. Sus compañeros actores ayudaron a recordarle las palabras olvidadas. Improvisaban una línea que despertaba su memoria y luego la recordaba. Todas las palabras volverían a él.

Muchas cosas pueden hacer que olvidemos lo que necesitamos recordar desesperadamente, y esto suele ocurrir cuando nos invaden tiempos difíciles. El miedo, el estrés, la tristeza, el dolor y la ansiedad pueden hacer que nuestra mente se quede en blanco. Pero hay esperanza.

Es de vital importancia trabajar para sembrar la palabra de Dios en lo más profundo de nosotros. Es una fuente de fortaleza y guía, siempre fácilmente accesible para nosotros, especialmente en momentos de necesidad para nosotros mismos o para otros. La conclusión es que la palabra de Dios no sólo es confiable sino lo suficientemente poderosa como para hablar en cada situación de nuestras vidas.

Hemos recibido de Dios el don del Consolador para recordar la palabra. Él no solo nos enseña todas las cosas, sino que también nos recuerda cada palabra que Jesús enseñó y encontró en las Escrituras. Pero debemos estudiarlo y meditarlo para que el Espíritu Santo nos lo recuerde.

Seamos el tipo de personas y amigos que tienen una palabra lista dentro y fuera de temporada. Nos necesitamos unos a otros, pero somos tan buenos unos con otros como la calidad de nuestra intimidad con la palabra de Dios, tanto escrita como viva.

Así será mi palabra que sale de mi boca; No volverá a Mí vacía, sin realizar lo que deseo y sin lograr el fin para el cual la envié. – Isaías 55:11, LBLA

Hijo mío, atiende a mis palabras; inclina tu oído a mis dichos. No se aparten de tus ojos; guárdalos en medio de tu corazón. Porque son vida para quienes los encuentran, y salud para toda su carne. –Proverbios 4:20-22, MSG

Estas cosas os he hablado mientras permanecía con vosotros. Pero el Consolador, el Espíritu Santo, que el Padre enviará en mi nombre, él os enseñará todas las cosas y os recordará todo lo que os he dicho. —Juan 14:25-26, LBLA

Still Small Voice

Heavenly Alignment

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our calibration begins with me. You feel out of sorts – anxious, worried, fearful, but that isn’t my desire for you. I want you free from all that restrains you. I want you free from oppression, birthed in the pit of rebellion and pride. You are my child, born again of the Spirit. You’re surrounded by a host of helpers, ready to carry out my word. I need your breath to agree in faith with my breath—with what I have planned long ago. You will be synced with me. Keep seeking to align with all my words and all my ways. We will be one. Never doubt that. You have been set apart for me and I will see to it that you are preserved for eternity. No one and nothing can snatch you from me. I cradle you in my arms, and I will never let go. I am faithful and true and trustworthy. The alignment has begun, and I will see it to completion.

The Lord of Armies has sworn: As I have purposed, so it will be; as I have planned it, so it will happen. I will break Assyria in my land; I will tread him down on my mountain. Then his yoke will be taken from them, and his burden will be removed from their shoulders. —Isaiah‬ ‭14‬:‭24‬-‭25‬ ‭CSB‬‬

And the Lord said unto me, Amos, what seest thou? And I said, A plumbline. Then said the Lord, Behold, I set a plumbline in the midst of my people Israel. —Amos‬ ‭7‬:‭8‬ ‭JUB‬‬

For he knew all about us before we were born and he destined us from the beginning to share the likeness of his Son. This means the Son is the oldest among a vast family of brothers and sisters who will become just like him. —Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭29‬ ‭TPT‬‬

T

u calibración comienza conmigo. Te sientes de mal humor: ansioso, preocupado, temeroso, pero ese no es mi deseo para ti. Te quiero libre de todo lo que te restringe. Te quiero libre de opresión, nacido en el pozo de la rebelión y el orgullo. Eres mi hijo, nacido de nuevo del Espíritu. Estás rodeado de una multitud de ayudantes, listos para cumplir mi palabra. Necesito que tu aliento esté de acuerdo en fe con mi aliento, con lo que he planeado hace mucho tiempo. Estarás sincronizado conmigo. Sigue buscando alinearte con todas mis palabras y todos mis caminos. Seremos uno. Nunca dudes de eso. Has sido apartado para mí y me encargaré de que seas preservado para la eternidad. Nada ni nadie podrá arrebatarte de mí. Te acuno en mis brazos y nunca te soltaré. Soy fiel, verdadero y digno de confianza. La alineación ha comenzado y la completaré.

El Señor de los ejércitos ha jurado: Como me he propuesto, así será; como lo he planeado, así sucederá. Derribaré a Asiria en mi tierra; Lo pisotearé en mi monte. Entonces su yugo será quitado de ellos, y su carga será quitada de sus hombros. —Isaías 14:24-25 NVI

Y el Señor me dijo: Amós, ¿qué ves? Y dije: Una plomada. Entonces dijo el Señor: He aquí yo pongo una plomada en medio de mi pueblo Israel…—Amós 7:8 JUB

Porque a los que antes conoció, también los predestinó a ser hechos conformes a la imagen de su Hijo, para que él fuera el primogénito entre muchos hermanos. —Romanos 8:29 LBLA

Still Small Voice

Glimpses of Hope

L

et faith rise up, my child. Stop holding on to what if’s. Believe for what can be. Trust in my word, and in my power. Understand that I can do all things. All means all. Put all your trust in me. I will not disappoint you. Believe for it because your faith can move mountains and then you will see the promises of your God fulfilled. What can you do today to step forward in faith? Start with your thoughts. Fill your mind with my word. Cast down rogue imaginations and use your imagination to create what has been given to you by faith. I will give you visions of your future —glimpses of hope. You will find them in my treasure cove. They are words strung together in power to produce a living proof of my love for you.

And Jesus answered them, “Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. —Mark‬ ‭11‬:‭22‬-‭23‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.—2 Corinthians‬ ‭10‬:‭5‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. —Hebrews‬ ‭11‬:‭1‬ ‭KJV‬‬

D

eja que la fe se levante, hija mía. Deja de aferrarte a lo que puede pasar. Cree en lo que puede ser. Confía en mi palabra y en mi poder. Entiende que puedo hacer todas las cosas. Todo significa todo. Pon toda tu confianza en mí. No te decepcionaré. Cree en ello porque tu fe puede mover montañas y entonces verás cumplidas las promesas de tu Dios. ¿Qué puedes hacer hoy para dar un paso adelante en la fe? Comience con tus pensamientos. Llena tu mente con mi palabra. Derriba las imaginaciones deshonestas y usa tu imaginación para crear lo que te ha sido dado por la fe. Te daré visiones de tu futuro, destellos de esperanza. Los encontrarás en mi cala del tesoro. Son palabras unidas con poder para producir una prueba viviente de mi amor por ti.

Jesús contestó: —Tengan fe en Dios. Pues les aseguro que si alguien le dice a este cerro: “¡Quítate de ahí y arrójate al mar!”, y no lo hace con dudas, sino creyendo que ha de suceder lo que dice, entonces sucederá. —San Marcos‬ ‭11‬:‭22‬-‭23‬ ‭DHH

Y así destruimos las acusaciones y toda altanería que pretenda impedir que se conozca a Dios. Todo pensamiento humano lo sometemos a Cristo, para que lo obedezca a él. —2 Corintios‬ ‭10‬:‭5‬ ‭DHH

La fe es garantía de las cosas que esperamos y certeza de las realidades que no vemos. —Hebreos 11‬:‭1‬ ‭BNTI

Still Small Voice

The Way

Y

ou’ve been on the way, the path I have set before you, but you get easily distracted with the cares of this world. You need singular focus. I am that focus. Look to Me. Seek My face. By looking to Me, we stay in communication. I can tell you that I have this and that under control. You don’t need to worry. Look to Me and I’ll guide you, comfort you, give you wisdom, and warn you. We will walk the path together. I will keep you safe from harm, from getting lost, and from distractions that make the journey longer than necessary. Take My hand and let’s walk together. Keep your eyes on Me.

“I heard your voice in my heart say, “Come, seek my face;” my inner being responded, “Yahweh, I’m seeking your face with all my heart.” —Psalms‬ ‭27‬:‭8‬ ‭TPT

“Let your eyes look directly ahead and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right or to the left; Turn your foot from evil.” ‭‭—Proverbs‬ ‭4‬:‭25‬-‭27‬ ‭NASB2020‬‬

“And what is sown among thorns represents those who hear the message, but they allow the cares of this life and the seduction of wealth and the desires for other things to crowd out and choke the message so that it produces nothing.” ‭‭—Mark‬ ‭4‬:‭18‬-‭19‬ ‭TPT‬‬

H

as estado en el camino, el camino que te he trazado, pero te distraes fácilmente con las preocupaciones de este mundo. Necesitas un enfoque singular. Yo soy ese enfoque. Mírame. Busca Mi cara. Al mirarme, permanecemos en comunicación. Puedo decirte que tengo esto y aquello bajo control. No necesitas preocuparte. Mírame y Yo te guiaré, te consolaré, te daré sabiduría y te advertiré. Recorreremos el camino juntos. Te mantendré a salvo de cualquier daño, de perderte y de distracciones que hagan que el viaje sea más largo de lo necesario. Toma Mi mano y caminemos juntos. Mantén tus ojos en Mi.

“Deja que tus ojos miren directamente hacia adelante y deja que tu mirada se fije directamente frente a ti. Vigila la senda de tus pies, y todos tus caminos serán establecidos. No gires ni a la derecha ni a la izquierda; Aparta tu pie del mal.” —Proverbios 4:25-27 LBLA2020

"Oye, oh Jehová, mi voz con que a ti clamo; Ten misericordia de mí, y respóndeme. Mi corazón ha dicho de ti: Buscad mi rostro. Tu rostro buscaré, oh Jehová." —Salmos 27:7-8 RV1960

"Otros son aquellos en los que se sembró la semilla entre los espinos; estos son los que han oído la palabra, pero las preocupaciones del mundo, y el engaño de las riquezas, y los deseos de las demás cosas entran y ahogan la palabra, y se vuelve estéril." —Marcos 4:18-19 LBLA

Still Small Voice

Everlasting Love

C

ast your cares upon Me for I care for you. Do not be deceived by the lies of the enemy. I love you with an everlasting love. Believe that, even when everything around you screams the opposite. I will never leave you nor forsake you. You are the apple of My eye. If anyone touches you to harm you, I will be your defender. I will always love you, comfort you, and remind you of My love for you. Do not fear, little one. I know your pain, your loss, your lonely heart. I have not abandoned you. You are being strengthened in the hard days. And each day you get through will bring you closer to My heart and closer to the day when our hearts will be one. When we see each other face to face. When My love will heal all of the past and be yours for eternity. Give Me your heart now and you will have My heart forever.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." - 1 John 4:8 NIV

"The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you." - Jeremiah 31:3 NKJV

E

cha tus preocupaciones sobre Mí porque Yo cuido de ti. No te dejes engañar por las mentiras del enemigo. Te amo con un amor eterno. Créelo, incluso cuando todo a tu alrededor grita lo contrario. Nunca te dejaré ni te abandonaré. Tú eres la manzana de mi ojo. Si alguien te toca para hacerte daño, yo seré vuestro defensor. Siempre te amaré, te consolaré y te recordaré de Mi amor por ti. No temas, pequeña. Conozco tu dolor, tu pérdida, tu corazón solitario. No te he abandonado. Estás siendo fortalecida en los días difíciles. Y cada día que pasa te acercará más a Mi corazón y al día en que nuestros corazones serán uno. Cuando nos veremos cara a cara. Cuando Mi amor sanará todo el pasado y será tuyo por la eternidad. Dame tu corazón ahora y tendrás Mi corazón para siempre.

"Dejen todas sus preocupaciones a Dios, porque él se interesa por ustedes." - 1 Pedro 5:7 DHH

"El que no ama no ha conocido a Dios, porque Dios es amor." - 1 Juan 4:8 DHH

"Yo me aparecí a él de lejos. Yo te he amado con amor eterno; por eso te sigo tratando con bondad." - Jeremías 31:3 DHH

Devotional

Secrets of the Redwood Forest (Strong Roots)

Redwoods on a trail along the Newton B. Drury Scenic Parkway in Northern California. Photo / Merwyn Sanders II (2022)

The coastal redwoods, found mostly in Northern California, Oregon, and Washington, are the tallest trees on Earth. The secret strength that upholds these giant trees is found in their roots. They only go 6-12 feet deep but extend up to 100 feet wide and interlock with neighboring redwood trees.

Imagine a wide root system spread out underground giving it stability above ground through strong winds, earthquakes, storms, and floods. Their scientific name attests to their durability; sequoia sempervirens, which means “evergreen or everlasting.”

Roots are vitally important because they provide nutrients and stability. This is true in our spiritual life as well. However, their only as strong as the source of their strength.

dark night of the soul

Recently, I went through what could be described as a ‘dark night of the soul.’ The built up of stress at work revealed unresolved trauma from the past and erupted as severe anxiety coupled with depression for over a month. I was off work during that time and ended up making a prayerful decision to resign from a job I was at for 9 years that I viewed more as ministry than work.

However, when mechanisms are not in place to support staff, burnout usually follows. It was one of the hardest experiences I’ve been through. I’m still processing what led me to that place, the loss, the disappointment, but most importantly, discovering new depths in my relationship with God.

There’s always hope when we cry out to the God who loves us and who has promised to never leave us. And this love can reach us in varied ways. One of the ways God comforted and sustained me was through my friends. These friends prayed for me, nurtured me, fed me, listened to me, encouraged me, and presented the light of love in what felt like the darkest of nights, at the time. I know I would’ve made it through even if I was alone, but I wonder how long that would have taken. There is a reason why God once said that it is not good for man to be alone.

fellowship & unity

One of my takeaways from that recent experience is the value and necessity of fellowship with other like-minded believers. Just like the redwoods whose root system is comprised of the interlocked roots of many trees; our strength is found in unity of the faith. There were several key practices, many which were done daily, that contributed to the stability of the early Church and that can model that unity.

“They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.” Acts 2:42-47

When you fellowship with other believers, especially around the intimacy of a familial table, you’re taking the time to invest in getting to really know each other and share life’s journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly. You value each other, stir one another to love and good works, build each other up, you worship, pray, and learn together, and you share in the communion of Christ’s death, and meet each other’s needs. From this safe place you venture into ministry. On the other hand, a life lived in isolation breeds hopelessness, loneliness, and weakness.

rooted takeaways

  • We are connected to each other.
  • What we consume affects our brothers/sisters in Christ.
  • If we stay connected, we will get through life together.
  • The source of our strength holds our position and posture.

We’re living in a time when ‘church’ as we’ve known it may change and the call back to small intimate gatherings in homes may be necessary. With this in mind, I encourage you to begin to build some intimate relationships with brothers and sisters and start with a simple dinner around a table. This is what I now value and know to be necessary.

Devotional

Anxiety to Trust: Becoming My Father’s Daughter

The adrenaline rush jolted me into an internal frenzy. My heart was palpitating. Suddenly I felt dizzy. I thought for sure I’d faint. I didn’t know if I was having a heart attack or what. As all of this was going through my head, my fingers were typing at the keyboard and I had a client in front of me. I couldn’t take it any longer. I needed to escape. I excused myself and walked as quickly as I could to the office right next to mine. I told my coworker what I was feeling. She said it sounded like I was having an anxiety attack, to sit down, take deep breaths, and that it would pass in a few minutes.

Those minutes were agonizing. And the next several days even more so. I went to the ER two days in a row convinced something was dreadfully wrong, only to be told I was physically fine. But I was far from fine. For the first week, I couldn’t sleep because my heart was pounding out of my chest. That coupled with all sorts of scary thoughts bombarding my mind were pure torment. I didn’t want to leave my home or be alone. I lost 15 pounds in those two weeks due to loss of appetite and digestive issues. I’ve been through some tough days and nights, but those two weeks were a dark night of the soul for me. The only thing I could do was cry out to God and desperately wait for relief.

This month marks the one-year anniversary of that anxiety attack. I had subsequent anxious days following but they were less intense, yet no less despairing and paralyzing. The anxiety attack was triggered at work but it was really uncovering years of fear, mental abuse, stuffed emotions, and the loss of major relationships. All the yuck from the past was taking too much space in my soul, affecting my body as well. I hadn’t fully offered all the pain from my past to God to move into freedom. I bottled it all up until it had no recourse but to find a way out. And that’s when anxiety reared its ugly head.

I came from a loving but enmeshed family. Fear was the silent dictator. It caused us to live isolated lives. All we had was each other and the unhealthy bond was hard to break. Our trust was in our family unit. It was as if we were one instead of four individuals. Much of my loyalty to my family stemmed from being raised by mami and papi, my maternal grandparents. They chose me, rescued me, and raised me. And I loved them for it. Since they were older parents, ailing health required around the clock care in their later years, which I did at home, with the help of my older sister until she became ill herself.

After losing mami, papi, and a healthy relationship with my sister, the sheltered life I was used to was no more. I stepped into an unfamiliar territory of making my own decisions. I walked out stripped of my identity as a caretaker for fifteen years but carrying burdens of loss and pain deep within me.

God was gracious to give me three years of much needed rest after that season of my life came to a close. So there I was—physically free from but still a captive to my painful past. And God knew it was time to face it. But in order for me to face it, I’d have to see its effects. And it wasn’t pretty.

When gold is put through the refining fire dross comes to the surface. That’s what happens to us when our faith is tested. Like, whoa! That was in there? 1 Peter 1:7 says, Your faith will be like gold that has been tested in a fire. And these trials will prove that your faith is worth much more than gold that can be destroyed. (CEV)

This past year tested what I was made of. I thought I was doing well. But anxiety was the waste material produced and buried within and it was pointing to something deeper still. Trust issues. More specifically, my trust in God.

I had to face the hard question of who or what I have been putting my trust in. Some folks put their trust in relationships, others in money, in careers, in the government, in their carefully planned life, or in themselves. For so many years, the trinity I bowed down to was my family. My fear of displeasing or losing my family superseded my reverence of God.

 All of us want to put our faith in something trustworthy—with a good track record, right? And we can’t trust something we don’t know. Trust is usually built over time. I realized I wasn’t consistently cultivating my trust in God.

I was so close to my earthly father that it nearly replaced my relationship with God as my Father—which simply put, is idolatry. We may not even know that that’s what we’re doing! But I know that anything that attempts to supplant God enthroned in our heart is an idol. I’ve had to identify these idols and consciously admit their primacy before my trust in God. Our relationship with God should fuel our love for one another not our adoration of one another.

When we put all our hope in another, we also place burdensome expectations on them. And when they fail us, we become frustrated or heartbroken. And without an anchoring relationship with God, we can be tossed to and fro when relationship storms hit us. Some of these storms can be rejection, abandonment, loss or abuse.

God wants to reveal Himself as our Father—one that would never disappoint us or leave us. Many of us have had earthly mothers or fathers who didn’t choose us or keep us. But the beauty of our relationship with God is that He chose us!

3 Every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realm has already been lavished upon us as a love gift from our wonderful heavenly Father, the Father of our Lord Jesus—all because he sees us wrapped into Christ. This is why we celebrate him with all our hearts! 4 And he chose us to be his very own, joining us to himself even before he laid the foundation of the universe! Because of his great love, he ordained us, so that we would be seen as holy in his eyes with an unstained innocence. 5–6 For it was always in his perfect plan to adopt us as his delightful children, through our union with Jesus, the Anointed One, so that his tremendous love that cascades over us would glorify his grace—for the same love he has for his Beloved One, Jesus, he has for us. And this unfolding plan brings him great pleasure!

(Ephesians 1:3-6, The Passion Translation)

 We were chosen by God, we’re a delight to Him, and He loves us the same as He loves Jesus! That’s quite a heart and mind blower. I want to trust His ‘tremendous love’ and fully experience what a relationship with Him as my Father looks like.

In choosing us, God the Father adopted us to become part of His family. The cost to adopt us wasn’t monetary as some adoptions entail, it was the offering of One life for many. God saw our need for a family. He looked at the earth full of spiritual orphans. God choosing us didn’t end there. Jesus redeems us and the Holy Spirit empowers us. Each member of the Godhead is involved in our life. They are now our family and we can’t lose them or be snatched from their embrace.

Anxiety is a captor that suffocates us with lies. It tells us that there’s no hope, that terrible things will happen, and that we’ll remain where we are. But Jesus’ death is the key that opens the door that takes us from that whirlwind of tormenting darkness into a relationship with God, the Father of lights. We are not alone or forgotten. God Himself offered the precious way to His heart, the truth that sets us free, and the life we desperately need.

This past year, God wasn’t necessarily showing me ways to overcome the anxiety. Methods and tools to overcome it are useful but temporary if the root issue isn’t addressed. God was teaching me to trust Him despite my circumstances. There was a shift of focus from the pain and effects of my past to His love and trustworthiness.

I also recently discovered that for a long time I was responding to God the way I had responded to those who hurt me. I lost trust, intimacy, and safety with them, which caused me to withdraw emotionally. I ran away from connecting with people for fear of pain. And that had carried into how I related to God. I kept Him at a distance as well, not enjoying the full potential of our relationship.

I’m learning to take walks with my Father, listen to His heart, talk things over, and to trust all the beautiful plans He has for our future. And when I look back on my past I want to focus on the marks of God’s presence not on the pain.

I hope you’ll decide to take walks with Him too.

Devotional

Leaves of Stone

I decided to get a little exercise in by raking a trillion leaves that we clearly didn’t make time for. They were still rather damp from the rains from a few days back, so the raking was more difficult with the added weight.

As I began raking the hoarded autumn leaves from our back stairs, I noticed how they covered the water drain, not allowing the rain to fall through. The rain just seeped into the leaves themselves, and slowly made its way down.

I began to rake the yard. It was too much to gather all the leaves in one area so I made three mounds and added leaves nearby to each mound.

And then it hit me. Hard. I began to think about all the layers I’ve allowed to cover my heart. Layers of burdens – shame, regret, pain, fear, anxiety. They laid on the soil of my heart and it was heavy.

As I raked the leaves and added them to the mounds, it was as if I was placing my layers at the altar before the Lord. I couldn’t see all the layers and layers, year after year, anxiety upon fear, fear upon regret, regret upon pain, and pain upon shame. As I kept raking, I kept uncovering the truth.

One mound for the Father.

One mound for the Son.

One mound for the Holy Spirit.

As I raked the leaves, I also found broken branches.

I made a heap for the sticks and mounds for the leaves. Leaves that became heavy, burdensome stones. Stones that covered my heart – making it cold and inaccessible. So now I had sticks and I had stones and a bunch of hurts I needed to name.

Oh Lord! Dig through the layers of these leaves of stones on my weary heart and heal me. Show me the hope you have for me. I know that there’s life underneath all these layers of dying – with your love, through your blood, by your power.

Death was gripping my heart, not allowing me to live – to breathe.

There it was for me to see. The layers I’d accumulated over my life that covered my heart. Clear as day.

But deep inside, under the layers, is a heart of flesh.

God will make it right.

And as I write, the wind outside is strong enough to lift the dry, lifeless, falling leaves, enabling a few of them to knock at my window looking for a home.

But I won’t let them in.

It’s time for the northerly winds to scatter them away.

But the leaves will continue to fall and I vow to catch them before they get too comfortable with me.

And so I wait, grasping at hope. Expecting to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

And I lift my hand and give them to God one by one.