The adrenaline rush jolted me into an internal frenzy. My heart was palpitating. Suddenly I felt dizzy. I thought for sure I’d faint. I didn’t know if I was having a heart attack or what. As all of this was going through my head, my fingers were typing at the keyboard and I had a client in front of me. I couldn’t take it any longer. I needed to escape. I excused myself and walked as quickly as I could to the office right next to mine. I told my coworker what I was feeling. She said it sounded like I was having an anxiety attack, to sit down, take deep breaths, and that it would pass in a few minutes.
Those minutes were agonizing. And the next several days even more so. I went to the ER two days in a row convinced something was dreadfully wrong, only to be told I was physically fine. But I was far from fine. For the first week, I couldn’t sleep because my heart was pounding out of my chest. That coupled with all sorts of scary thoughts bombarding my mind were pure torment. I didn’t want to leave my home or be alone. I lost 15 pounds in those two weeks due to loss of appetite and digestive issues. I’ve been through some tough days and nights, but those two weeks were a dark night of the soul for me. The only thing I could do was cry out to God and desperately wait for relief.
This month marks the one-year anniversary of that anxiety attack. I had subsequent anxious days following but they were less intense, yet no less despairing and paralyzing. The anxiety attack was triggered at work but it was really uncovering years of fear, mental abuse, stuffed emotions, and the loss of major relationships. All the yuck from the past was taking too much space in my soul, affecting my body as well. I hadn’t fully offered all the pain from my past to God to move into freedom. I bottled it all up until it had no recourse but to find a way out. And that’s when anxiety reared its ugly head.
I came from a loving but enmeshed family. Fear was the silent dictator. It caused us to live isolated lives. All we had was each other and the unhealthy bond was hard to break. Our trust was in our family unit. It was as if we were one instead of four individuals. Much of my loyalty to my family stemmed from being raised by mami and papi, my maternal grandparents. They chose me, rescued me, and raised me. And I loved them for it. Since they were older parents, ailing health required around the clock care in their later years, which I did at home, with the help of my older sister until she became ill herself.
After losing mami, papi, and a healthy relationship with my sister, the sheltered life I was used to was no more. I stepped into an unfamiliar territory of making my own decisions. I walked out stripped of my identity as a caretaker for fifteen years but carrying burdens of loss and pain deep within me.
God was gracious to give me three years of much needed rest after that season of my life came to a close. So there I was—physically free from but still a captive to my painful past. And God knew it was time to face it. But in order for me to face it, I’d have to see its effects. And it wasn’t pretty.
When gold is put through the refining fire dross comes to the surface. That’s what happens to us when our faith is tested. Like, whoa! That was in there? 1 Peter 1:7 says, Your faith will be like gold that has been tested in a fire. And these trials will prove that your faith is worth much more than gold that can be destroyed. (CEV)
This past year tested what I was made of. I thought I was doing well. But anxiety was the waste material produced and buried within and it was pointing to something deeper still. Trust issues. More specifically, my trust in God.
I had to face the hard question of who or what I have been putting my trust in. Some folks put their trust in relationships, others in money, in careers, in the government, in their carefully planned life, or in themselves. For so many years, the trinity I bowed down to was my family. My fear of displeasing or losing my family superseded my reverence of God.
All of us want to put our faith in something trustworthy—with a good track record, right? And we can’t trust something we don’t know. Trust is usually built over time. I realized I wasn’t consistently cultivating my trust in God.
I was so close to my earthly father that it nearly replaced my relationship with God as my Father—which simply put, is idolatry. We may not even know that that’s what we’re doing! But I know that anything that attempts to supplant God enthroned in our heart is an idol. I’ve had to identify these idols and consciously admit their primacy before my trust in God. Our relationship with God should fuel our love for one another not our adoration of one another.
When we put all our hope in another, we also place burdensome expectations on them. And when they fail us, we become frustrated or heartbroken. And without an anchoring relationship with God, we can be tossed to and fro when relationship storms hit us. Some of these storms can be rejection, abandonment, loss or abuse.
God wants to reveal Himself as our Father—one that would never disappoint us or leave us. Many of us have had earthly mothers or fathers who didn’t choose us or keep us. But the beauty of our relationship with God is that He chose us!
3 Every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realm has already been lavished upon us as a love gift from our wonderful heavenly Father, the Father of our Lord Jesus—all because he sees us wrapped into Christ. This is why we celebrate him with all our hearts! 4 And he chose us to be his very own, joining us to himself even before he laid the foundation of the universe! Because of his great love, he ordained us, so that we would be seen as holy in his eyes with an unstained innocence. 5–6 For it was always in his perfect plan to adopt us as his delightful children, through our union with Jesus, the Anointed One, so that his tremendous love that cascades over us would glorify his grace—for the same love he has for his Beloved One, Jesus, he has for us. And this unfolding plan brings him great pleasure!
(Ephesians 1:3-6, The Passion Translation)
We were chosen by God, we’re a delight to Him, and He loves us the same as He loves Jesus! That’s quite a heart and mind blower. I want to trust His ‘tremendous love’ and fully experience what a relationship with Him as my Father looks like.
In choosing us, God the Father adopted us to become part of His family. The cost to adopt us wasn’t monetary as some adoptions entail, it was the offering of One life for many. God saw our need for a family. He looked at the earth full of spiritual orphans. God choosing us didn’t end there. Jesus redeems us and the Holy Spirit empowers us. Each member of the Godhead is involved in our life. They are now our family and we can’t lose them or be snatched from their embrace.
Anxiety is a captor that suffocates us with lies. It tells us that there’s no hope, that terrible things will happen, and that we’ll remain where we are. But Jesus’ death is the key that opens the door that takes us from that whirlwind of tormenting darkness into a relationship with God, the Father of lights. We are not alone or forgotten. God Himself offered the precious way to His heart, the truth that sets us free, and the life we desperately need.
This past year, God wasn’t necessarily showing me ways to overcome the anxiety. Methods and tools to overcome it are useful but temporary if the root issue isn’t addressed. God was teaching me to trust Him despite my circumstances. There was a shift of focus from the pain and effects of my past to His love and trustworthiness.
I also recently discovered that for a long time I was responding to God the way I had responded to those who hurt me. I lost trust, intimacy, and safety with them, which caused me to withdraw emotionally. I ran away from connecting with people for fear of pain. And that had carried into how I related to God. I kept Him at a distance as well, not enjoying the full potential of our relationship.
I’m learning to take walks with my Father, listen to His heart, talk things over, and to trust all the beautiful plans He has for our future. And when I look back on my past I want to focus on the marks of God’s presence not on the pain.
I hope you’ll decide to take walks with Him too.
We are overwhelmingly aware of all sorts of things. Today’s technological advances have aided the delivery of despairing news from all around the world—tragedies, threats of war, and terrorism that attempt to consume us. It camps in our mind, affects our behaviors and influences our words. The darkness that surrounds us is thick. The darkness within, even thicker. It often feels like nothing can penetrate this oppression.